The Approval Addiction that Almost Cost Him Everything
Heather Wheeler, Ph.D.
...and the Dimmer Switch mentality that helped him excel AND feel whole again
Why do the most capable people keep getting in their own way?
Executives who procrastinate on the work that matters most while perfecting their already flawless presentations. Senior leaders igniting conflicts with their teams right before major launches. A high performer drinking the night before an important event. Olympians overtraining to the point of injury three weeks before qualifiers. Founders saying yes to too many clients before they have the team to execute on requests.
This is self-sabotage.
Getting in your own way without even realizing it.
We all do it in some form or another.
And after 20 years working with Olympic athletes and coaches, C-suite executives, and senior leaders, I can tell you that people are always confused about why they do it. And even when they think they know why, they can’t stop.
Most people think self-sabotage is about discipline. Time management. Willpower.
So they try to fix it with more accountability systems. Stricter schedules. Pushing harder.
Others spiral into self-punishment. Harsh self-talk. Shame spirals.
In my experience, none of these work long term.
Because what people don’t understand is that self-sabotage isn’t a character flaw. It’s not about laziness or weakness or stupidity.
It’s self-protection.
To stop self-sabotaging, we first need to understand what your nervous system is actually trying to protect. And it’s not what you think.
Most people think self-sabotage protects our egos.
If we don’t fully try, we can blame the effort instead of our ability. If we create obstacles, people blame the circumstances instead of us.
But here’s what that misses. The only reason we protect our egos is because they give us a false sense of security. They help us avoid sitting in the messy unknown.
And the unknown? That’s what’s really terrifying, especially when you’re a high performer where the stakes are high.
Uncertainty is inevitable and constant in the world of high performers. Pushing the limits means taking risks in new territory to see what is possible.
But the rush of reaching into the unknown doesn’t always mean feeling safe to do so. Because we never know how things will turn out. The fear that comes with “not knowing” carries a lot of weight.
Not knowing if you could go all-in to something and still fail.
Not knowing if you’re actually as capable as people think. If you can sustain this level of performance.
Not knowing if trying will cost you everything or give you everything.
Not knowing if people will still accept you if you don’t perform to your potential.
Not knowing if you have the capacity to tolerate whatever happens, including the uncomfortable emotions you’ve been trying to avoid.
Not knowing if failure will destroy you. Or if succeeding will trap you into having to maintain those expectations forever.
Self-sabotage tries to protect us from all of this.
Self-sabotage = self-protection. We protect ourselves in many unconscious ways but to keep it simple, let’s focus on two: Overcompensation and Avoidance. Or what I call getting stuck ON and getting stuck OFF.
STUCK ON (Overcompensation)
Overcommitting so nothing gets your best effort. Overtraining to injury before the big game. Taking on impossible challenges or igniting conflicts right before project launches. Clinging to one part of your identity and not investing in other parts of yourself. Staying so busy that uncertainty can’t catch up with you.
STUCK OFF (Avoidance)
Procrastinating on what matters. Playing small when you could do or say more. Pushing people away or hiding when you long for connection. Drinking the night before big presentations. Numbing or avoiding emotions at all costs. Denying the fact that no one can evade uncertainty.
Same problem. Different strategies.
But neither solve the real problem: How to deal with all the unknowns you’re afraid of.
The ON/OFF switch helps people FEEL in control. But it obviously doesn’t work… or we wouldn’t self-sabotage, would we?
Because the fear of “Not Knowing” is still there. And you don’t know if you can deal with it. And trying to control outcomes doesn’t work.
We need to build your capacity for not being in control in the face of uncertainty.
Not by changing your thinking or convincing you that everything will be okay. You can’t think yourself out of a nervous system response that formed before you knew what a nervous system was.
It’s your nervous system that needs convincing it’s ok, even when things aren’t ok.
Here’s a few to get you started:
Your nervous system responds to the threat of uncertainty before you’re consciously aware of danger.
Start tracking what happens in your body before you create obstacles. Before you overcompensate or avoid.
Experiment with this. Next time you feel resistance to something important, pause. Where do you feel it in the body? What does it feel like?
Don’t try to solve it or get rid of the discomfort. Just stay with the feeling. Get curious. Notice what your mind and body wants to do but remind yourself you have a choice.
That pause is where your agency lives. The space between stimulus and response. Between something triggering uncertainty and you automatically protecting yourself from it.
And when you do get swept away by self-sabotage (because you will, we all do), take time to debrief. What early warning signs did you ignore? What form of uncertainty were you avoiding? What do you need to feel safer in the unknown next time?
You don’t need to eliminate uncertainty. You need to build your capacity to stay present in it. There are lots of ways we can ride the wave of emotion and physical discomfort that comes when our brains can’t predict outcomes.
When uncertainty triggers your system, you need skills that help you stay present with discomfort, not make it disappear.
Try this. When you notice the urge to overcompensate or shut down, pause. Take three slow breaths. Place your hand on your chest. Ask yourself: what do I need right now to feel safe while staying present to this uncomfortable reality?
Start with soothing the nervous system directly. Show up for yourself as you might for a friend in need. Use breathwork, grounding, mindful movement, self-compassion, and supportive connection with others to regulate the ON/OFF (threat) response. Remind yourself that you are generally okay right now – physically safe and secure, warm, out of immediate harm’s way.
When your nervous system isn’t threatened, you can think outside that narrow dichotomous view that comes with the On/Off switch.
Now you can…
Problem-solve and plan for coping with possible outcomes. This increases confidence for managing all outcomes, even worst case, rather than trying to control them all.
Diversify your identity so that the unknown in one area doesn’t destabilize your whole world.
Reframe uncertainty as a challenge, not a threat. Life without uncertainty means a life without possibility. It would be boring and you’d never grow. Even though it’s hard to be with, see it as something you can learn from and get better at managing if you see this as a practice.
To train up your ability to manage more uncertainty, we need to purposely bring it on.
Experiment. Start small. With things slightly outside your comfort zone.
Practice doing AND not doing things despite not knowing how it will turn out. Or if you can handle what happens as a result. Practice doing things imperfectly. Or where you show up as a messier version of yourself.
Think of it like an athlete who learns to compete in different settings. Or without their usual supports around. They’re building psychological flexibility. They’re proving to their nervous system that they can handle variation and still perform.
Or the executive who shares an unfinished idea in the leadership meeting. Not because they’re unprepared. But because they’re demonstrating that their worth isn’t tied to being perfect. That they can be not fully “ON” and still be respected.
For leaders, this might mean delegating a project completely instead of checking in every two hours. Or stop making excuses for why they couldn’t commit fully to something and give it their all (even if it might fail).
Capture the lessons you learn from these experiments. You may just learn that you can fail AND be okay. That you can succeed AND still say no. That you belong and can feel like you’re enough regardless of the outcome.
Tune into how you feel about your performance, not just the outcomes and results. Practice not using external metrics for success or failure.
Give yourself credit for building your tolerance for uncertainty. Improving your tolerance for uncertainty should be the metric you are using for a successful experiment.
The goal isn’t to eliminate uncertainty. Or the discomfort that comes with it. It’s to prove to your nervous system that you can face the unknown and still be okay.
Once the body builds capacity to manage the threat of uncertainty, the mind follows. You stop doubting whether you can handle things. You feel confident in your identity regardless of outcome. You don’t need to overcompensate or avoid anymore.
Our saboteurs show up when we’re afraid. To protect us.
But when you protect yourself from uncertainty, you also protect yourself from possibility.
Learning to tolerate uncertainty means you get out of your own way. And it makes everything possible.
If you or your leadership team are stuck in patterns of self-sabotage, whether ramping into unsustainable overdrive or shutting down when it matters most, let’s talk about building this capacity together. I work with organizations and individuals to develop the nervous system regulation and psychological flexibility that allows sustainable excellence. Visit drheatherwheeler.com to learn more about speaking engagements and training programs.
Written by
Heather Wheeler, Ph.D.
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